Two weeks ago today I quit therapy. I strolled into the room feeling rather jubilant, actually, and, about halfway through my session, I looked at the clock and realized that I didn’t have anything else to talk about. After hour-long weekly sessions for nearly seventeen months, I had finally shared everything I wanted to share, examined everything I wanted to examine. So I looked my therapist in the eye, something I don’t usually do when I’m the one doing the talking, for some reason, and I told her that I wanted to discuss discontinuing therapy. She nodded enthusiastically in reply, and we spent the remaining half hour discussing where I go from here. When my time was up, I gave her a hug for the first time ever, she wished me luck, and I left.
Two weeks ago ago today I sat down to write about that experience here on my Cautionary Blog. But about halfway through the entry I realized that here also, after seven months, I had shared everything I wanted to share, examined everything I wanted to examine. However, instead of saying goodbye, I simply saved the entry as a draft and didn’t come back. I wasn’t ready.
But I’m ready now.
My Basic Economics professor in college taught me that once you’ve made your final payment on your car, you should continue to pay yourself what you would’ve paid the bank, and that way when the car needs repairs, you’ve got the cash on hand to cover them, as well as, when the time comes, to purchase a new one outright. In that spirit, I’ve decided to use my now-free hour every Tuesday night to sit and think about my feelings, and I’m going to use the time during the week I’ve spent blogging for writing (with a little extra tacked on for good measure). The car might be purchased, but I want to make sure it’s maintained very well. And yes, I realize that I’m spending a large bulk of my final entry comparing myself to a used car. But it seems to be a metaphor befitting of a Cautionary Girl.
I can’t adequately express how much your encouragement has helped me get through this tumultuous time in my life. I don’t really want to try. Just know that I’m not sure how I would’ve made it through without all of you there cheering me on. Support of this sort isn’t something I’ve known a lot of in my life, and it continues to astonish me, how truly fortifying it is. The kind, gentle words of strangers and semi-strangers and acquaintances and friends.
If you’re ever curious to check in on me, please feel free to e-mail me. I’d love to hear from you, and I’d love to learn a little more about you. As always, you can find me at acautionaryblog (at) gmail (dot) com.
I’m not sure where I go from here. But I’m ready to find out.
Much, much love,