It’s been hard to be strong with all of this goin’ on.

So. It’s been over a week since I’ve updated.

And, let’s be honest, that one didn’t really count, anyway.

I’ve considered never blogging again.

But here I am, writing aimlessly, though I’m not sure why.

Lots to say, but no energy with which to say it.

Don’t take it personally; I’ve also been avoiding my mother.

Really, I’m sick of explaining myself.

Feeling like I have to defend my choices.

Of trying to stick with decisions I’ve made even though they’re not what I want just because I’ve blogged about them.

And coming off as indecisive and flaky.

Of never writing the full truth, even here, on my password-protected anonymous blog.

I need more people in my life who tell me they support me no matter what.

Some of you do this, and I am grateful for it.

But others will be disappointed if I choose a life different from the one they’ve decided I should choose.

And I’m not ready to explain myself to those people yet.

Except to say that I  believe it’s possible for me to doff my “Cautionary” modifier without staying married.

And just be a girl again.

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “It’s been hard to be strong with all of this goin’ on.

  1. Know that I support you NO MATTER WHAT. This is YOUR life. You have no one to answer to. What happens between you and CH happens between the two of you. No one else knows the intricacies of your marriage and why it may or may not work. We only see what you allow us to see and that’s okay, but we don’t know the whole picture and that’s okay too. I’m happy just having a glimpse of your life through your eyes and I’ve enjoyed reading everything you’ve written.

  2. Breanna

    Go be a girl. A happy carefree young successful woman. On the cusp of what lies ahead in her life. Find something and a life and someone that makes you so happy that you look back on all this stress and you laugh. You owe it to yourself to find something and someone that makes you feel incredible.

  3. m

    I keep writing and re-writing my comment to you. Which is weird because we don’t know each other at all. I chose to stay in my broken marriage because that’s what everyone expected of me. And I didn’t want to let them down. So, I stayed and we went to counseling and we worked things out. And that sounds really wondeful on paper, doesn’t it? Except it’s not because I carry a secret around deep in my heart…I wish I had walked away. I wish I had let my broken marriage blow away in the wind instead of desperately trying to repair something I wasn’t even sure I wanted.

    I guess I’m trying to tell you that for what it’s worth, this complete stranger supports you. Do not justify your decision to anyone because at the end of the day it’s just you and CH in your marriage. No one else. You aren’t being flaky or indecisive…you are just a young woman trying to find her way in a horrible situation.

  4. I support you. No matter what. And I don’t know you either, but I come from a place of understanding. Whether you stay married, leave, or find your own path, you are working things out. You aren’t being indecisive, you aren’t being flaky, you are being completely normal. NORMAL.

    Many hugs and trust me, you are supported.

  5. I actually had to look up the word “doff” in my online dictionary, just so I could be sure what you were communicating, even though your context clues should have been enough. Sorry, I am kind of lame.

    [Redacted], living to please others is no way to live. It’s exhausting. You need to live in a way that YOU think is honoring to YOU. You need to live in a way that YOU can live with, whatever that is. If your readers disagree with what you do on either side of the marriage spectrum, who cares? There will always be us who support you, and who do care about you.

    And that’s a precious thing to hold.

  6. M

    I am feeling much the same, so know that I am out here rooting for you to do what is best for you. I am sitting in a marriage that I am not very happy with, knowing I could do and want to do so much more with my life, and feeling like I have to work at it because now he wants to try. Where was that effort before, when I needed it? Knowing that I could get out, but dreading the absolute chaos I would cause in so many lives, including those of our teenage children.

    I am avoiding my mother too. Sometimes, you just don’t want to talk about it anymore.

  7. Jennie

    You deserve people who will accept you for who you are, with or without labels. The internet does give you a forum to voice your dreams, hopes, and fears. I suppose part of that is risking judgment
    from people you may or may not know in real life. In the end, though, your life and the direction you choose are yours.

    Cautionary or not, I appreciate your words and your honesty. I will keep reading your entries if you continue to write here. In any case, best of luck to you on your journey.

  8. You have to make YOU happy.

    And you’ve clearly got a slew of readers, who may not know you, but clearly support you.

    Try journaling – it is truly writing just for you. Good luck CG, whatever you choose.

  9. I was going to write something profound and encouraging, but everyone already did that here. Hmph. Well, know that I find you profound and will be encouraging. No matter what.

    Also, you might find it humorous that I first typed “encouraging” as “encouragin”, which made me laugh really hard. Shoot fire.

  10. Liza

    just chiming in with support for whatever you want/need/choose. we dont know the full story, only you do, and its your life, you are the one living it 🙂 you are just giving us a small glimpse of yourself here, and its wonderful that you share that small part!

    i have never been married, but i do know something about living your life with caution, and its exhausting trying not to disappoint people. And figuring out what you truly want, is so hard, so complicated and sometimes a very lonely process. wishing you good luck, support and happy thoughts!

  11. kindred spirit

    CG, I’ll say upfront, do what makes you happy. I support you in that. Frankly I’ll support you no matter what, but I want you to be happy.

    You had a moment of clarity. Not to bank your whole decision on that, but it is worth looking at. Was it just a short term emotional moment, or was it a revelation? If it was a revelation, it tells you something important. And if it was just a short term emotional moment, it tells you something important.

    Look, so much of what you’ve written has sounded like you want to move on. I’m not trying to talk you into that or out of reconciliation with CH. I’m only telling you how I’ve perceived it. Divorce is tough. No doubt about it. It goes against the grain of how most of us were raised. It goes against most religious beliefs. It goes against so much of our expectations from society. But it happens, and it can be a good thing. If that is what you decide, you will see friends and family support you, strongly support you, even the ones that prefer to see it the other way. CH will have his support group too. It will all work out. If that is what you choose. It is better for all involved to divorce (if that is what will bring you joy) rather than living a mediocre life to appease those around us. Live for yourself; if not, you are not only doing a disservice to yourself, but to everyone affected by your decision.

    Every time you’ve mentioned getting back with CH it has seemed disingenuous at the heart, only skin-deep. Perhaps the intentions are good, but it does not seem to be congruent with your heart. My observations only. I do not know you. I do not know CH or CL. I do not know any of your friends. I am only going on what I’ve read, my limited experience, and my own judgment.

    The bottom line is doing what makes you happy. If thinking of divorce brings feelings of fear, look past the fear to see what is on the other side. If thoughts of life with CH brings feelings of joy, go for it. If thoughts of being on your own are exciting thoughts, I’d study that also.

    I’ve been in your position and have an idea of your struggle, but I don’t know you or your situation the way you do. I truly empathize, and so my thoughts continue to be with you as you wrestle with the decisions.

    You have a good spirit. It shows with every post you make. You cannot hide that fact. I want the best for you. Energy and blessings to you, thoughts for you and prayers for you. We care and support you in whatever decision you make. It is your life to live, not ours. Live it joyfully.

    KS

  12. Lauren

    I support you, whatever you do. Someone up there said you can’t live your life to please others. It’s true. I struggle with it everyday. Sad to say, it is especially hard when you come from a Christian background. But you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Don’t worry about everyone else and what they might say or think; they’ve got their own issues. Do whatever you need to do.

  13. I have a friend who made the choice to divorce her husband four months after a beautiful wedding. One where she was surrounded by all of her friends and family, everyone her life was made up of. Even her parents didn’t agree (at first) that she was making the right choice. But when it was over, she was better for having gone through it.

    I come from a divorced family. My boyfriend is divorced. And what I can promise you is that being divorced doesn’t equal “damaged goods.” I sometimes secretly thank God that my other half, my soul mate, my best friend went through it, because if he hadn’t, his path and mine would have never crossed.

    Like everyone and their sister already said, do what is right for you. You have a whole team of Interweb cheerleaders on your side – no matter what you choose.

    Sending e-hugs your direction.

  14. Katie

    You have to remember that when you post something indicating you and CH will stay together, and everyone cheers and claps and high fives and says you made the right decision, it is only because YOU said you made the right decision. We are all going with the flow, rolling with the punches. It is not a [positive] judgment. You seem hopeful, so we are hopeful.

    I, for one, do not read this blog with any preconceived notions about what is right or wrong or best for you and CH. Be careful, be so careful to be honest with your self. Don’t try to talk yourself in to anything. Don’t try to talk yourself out of anything.

  15. stefanie

    Perhaps times like these are particularly confusing for those raised in faith-based or religious families? Probably because there are more factors to consider. I wonder if you know what your endgame is? I wonder, because I think that determines a lot. Are your deepest, deepest desires to make yourself happy, make someone else happy, make God happy? I think people will support whatever decision you make, but perhaps it is sometimes hard for your readers to know how to respond because we don’t know what the biggest goal is. So, we probably cheer or boo based on whether it seems your decisions are leading you closer to or further away from whatever we assume you hold as the ultimate goal. It sounds like you’re going to be forced to deal with some amount of discomfort and pain regardless of what you choose, but if it’s leading you toward whatever your deepest desire is, I think it is worth it.

  16. Choose you.
    Choose what YOU want, what fulfills you, what makes you happy.
    Fuck everyone else and their opinions of how you should live your life.
    And while you’re at it, fuck “should”. You either do, or you don’t. And leave it at that.

    hugs

  17. to echo a chorus of really great comments, the decisions you make are yours alone. you will be accountable for them, ultimately–YOU. not ch, not cl, not your mom. YOU. that’s not a judgment, nor is it intended to be anything but somewhat liberating. if you know that you are accountable for your actions, that while those actions do affect those around you, that they are yours to make, it may begin to be easier to make the ones that allow you to follow your heart.

    no one can tell you what to do. they can give you counsel, born of love and concern and an attempt to understand your heart and your desires (which, while i don’t know your mom, i can only imagine is her intent), but they cannot see into your heart and know what to do for you.

    if i might be so bold, i feel like ch is an ideal for you. i think you see him as a kind of perfection that you’re not sure you can or want to attain. he is the white picket fence and the dog and the three kids and the minivan. he is the picture that you think you should have in your head of what marriage is.

    but i’m not sure, as much as you love him (and i absolutely believe you do), that’s what you are. i think you may be striving for an ideal that isn’t actually your ideal. you have defined it, somehow, as such, but maybe your mind and your heart aren’t in sync.

    find out what your ideal is. really and truly. what is it that you want? it’s an easy question to ask and an incredibly difficult one to answer. if what you really want is ch, go for it. don’t let anyone or anything or any memory or any past action stop you.

    if it’s not, recognize that, while difficult, it’s not the end of your world. i think the true tragedy would be to live a life where you hurt each other, over and over and over again, because you’re never quite what the other one wanted. i can’t think of a more literal hell than that.

    i don’t know you. but i’ve been reading you a while. i’m cheering for you to find your way, and i have absolute faith that you will.

  18. DB

    All I can say, kid, is that I love you.

  19. I’m not here to judge, to recommend, to analyze. I’m not interested in telling you what is right or what is wrong. I’m not foolish enough to assume I understand what you have felt and will feel, and I’m not naive enough to think there’s only one perfect way out for you.

    I’m just here to listen to what you say, to try to share your long passage through these trying times, and to whisper my sympathetic and unwavering support when you need to hear it.

    I believe in you.

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