Y’all. Thanks for the support. You guys are just wonderful.
I’m so fucking scared.
Big changes ahead. I’ll be moving in with Cautionary Husband as soon as I can figure out the terms of my lease agreement, which ends officially on the fifteenth of this month. We’re hiring movers this time. Praise be. There was no effing way I was going to move in 105-degree weather.
Then I’ll be making some big career changes. It’s become clear that in order to be the kind of wife I want to be to Cautionary Husband, to be the kind of person I want to be period, I need to find fulfillment within myself. “Fulfillment” for me involves writing more than just a couple rambling paragraphs a few times a week, maybe trying to publish a little, and taking some French and GRE courses with the aim of entering a linguistics grad program in the fall of 2010. And all of this involves me quitting my current job in the next couple of months.
So scared. I’m scared not to be financially independent. I’m scared to give up my apartment, my easy out. I’m scared that CH and I won’t be able to find the kind of intimacy we need to have to make our marriage work. I’m scared that I’ll be too scared to leave if we don’t find a way to make it work. How’s that? Scared to be scared. Metascared.
But, in spite of all the fear, I know that this is good.
And I’m very, very excited about the future. Our future.