He said yes.

Y’all.  Thanks for the support.  You guys are just wonderful.

I’m so fucking scared.

Big changes ahead.  I’ll be moving in with Cautionary Husband as soon as I can figure out the terms of my lease agreement, which ends officially on the fifteenth of this month.  We’re hiring movers this time.  Praise be.  There was no effing way I was going to move in 105-degree weather.

Then I’ll be making some big career changes.  It’s become clear that in order to be the kind of wife I want to be to Cautionary Husband, to be the kind of person I want to be period, I need to find fulfillment within myself.  “Fulfillment” for me involves writing more than just a couple rambling paragraphs a few times a week, maybe trying to publish a little, and taking some French and GRE courses with the aim of entering a linguistics grad program in the fall of 2010.  And all of this involves me quitting my current job in the next couple of months.

So scared.  I’m scared not to be financially independent.  I’m scared to give up my apartment, my easy out.  I’m scared that CH and I won’t be able to find the kind of intimacy we need to have to make our marriage work.  I’m scared that I’ll be too scared to leave if we don’t find a way to make it work.  How’s that?  Scared to be scared.  Metascared.

But, in spite of all the fear, I know that this is good.

And I’m very, very excited about the future.  Our future.



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20 responses to “He said yes.

  1. Katie

    Tears again!

  2. tabithablogs

    Awesome. I knew he would say yes. And I completely and totally agree about your needing to find fulfillment in your own career and stuff. It’s SO not true that when you get married you lose your personality or independence. (At least I’m planning on it not being true, because I’m getting married in a few weeks and I plan to keep on being me, yanno?)

    Anyway, blessings on this new chapter of your journey with CH. I think you might not be such a Cautionary Girl, after all, considering all that you’re dealing with. Maybe you don’t see yourself as brave or strong, but you’re facing the issues head on, and that is anything but cautionary. Good for you.


  3. awe.some.

    Taking big steps like that is scary, and it’s totally OK (and probably good and rational) to be scared. Embrace it, and then… take those steps anyways. You can do it!

    I have found that I have changed the most from experiences that scared the crap out of me (moving away from home, for example). And am totally a better person for it.

    I see that, despite all the fear, you’re excited. That’s good stuff. Yay!

  4. i wish you all the best. i think taking the step that you did last night was the scariest thing you will face. be proud of yourself.

  5. DB

    It’s time to change the name of your blog to Brave Girl.

    I forgot to say this yesterday, but when you posted on here that you had decided to get a divorce, I felt defeated because I had been praying really hard for you two. So I told God, “I believe that you are the God of miracles. And if it’s your will for these two to stay together, I believe that you can make it happen.” So when you titled yesterday’s post “Maybe I do believe in miracles after all,” it gave me goosebumps.

    I don’t think any marriage is ever completely full proof. I worry about my marriage too, because the world makes it so hard for married couples to survive. All this is to say that none of us are ever totally out of the woods, so you can rest assured that I will continue to pray for the health and strength of both of our marriages.


  6. Lauren

    I totally used to get anxiety about relationships because I was worried I would get anxiety.

    Anxiety about getting anxiety. Kind of like scared about being scared.

    In the end, I had several long chats with myself and God about the ridiculousness of being worried about being worried, or afraid about being afraid. There is absolutely no point in doing that except to make yourself suffer. Don’t ever make yourself suffer because of yourself.

    Oh… and about the scared about not being financially independent? I am right there with you. But I suppose you just have to trust that it’s all going to be okay.

  7. Best of luck with it all.

    Oh, and I’m with ya on the linguistics thing. I’m going to relearn and better-learn French in the fall. After I take salsa lessons. =)

  8. i’m excited to.

    and i like the word metascared. i think i’m metascared too.

  9. KP

    Yea! I have been checking all day to see what he said. And, I am excited for your new marriage. 🙂

  10. Jennie

    I wish you both the very best. I believe in you. I do agree that personal fulfillment will help you with fulfillment in other areas in your life.

    While my circumstances don’t resemble yours much at all, we are the same age and your writing moves me. I’m also about to take my own leap of faith – moving to a completely new city with my beloved partner. I’m metascared, too. But sometimes, these kind of leaps are the best way to get things moving.

    Best of luck with everything!

  11. Haley

    so exciting!

  12. I’m so glad you made it back here. Good luck, love.

  13. I think the career change and going back to school will help you immensely. It made such a major difference in my life when I finally found what I wanted to do and made it happen. It took 4 extra years, but it was worth it.

    You’ll be okay, friend. So excited for you! 🙂

  14. kylajoyful

    I’m not as good with words as you are. The best that I can say is that I’ve read your blog nearly every day for the past weeks, and am astounded by what has happened in your life and the decisions that you are making. You are not taking the easy road right now, and you know it. And that, sweet Cautionary Girl, is not cautionary at all. It’s dangerous, and glorious, and life-giving, and passionate, and free. I pray that you will remain “gloriously awake”, and that you will continue to surround yourself with these people who really love you. I believe that your persistent character will change lives, and I look forward to seeing that happen. Peace to you as you joyfully keep on. And, as I heard a one Derek Webb say recently, “The beginning is the end is the beginning.”

  15. Liza

    so very excited for you!!!

  16. I had no idea how invested I was in this story of Cautionary Girl until I read this post and the one that preceded it. I’m in tears right now. I’m happy for you but more than that, I’m happy that you sound excited about this step.

    The career/life choices you are making sound very smart and self-aware. You will succeed at things you love.

  17. here’s to the best for all. And staying true to yourself.

  18. juliennejiggs

    Nice! Yay!

  19. Lindsey

    SO happy for you!

  20. Good for you guys!

    Lots of love ❤

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