Answers, part six.

Q: (from Word Perv)

Did CH think/suspect you of cheating or that something was inherently “wrong” with your relationship? I assume you felt guilt and remorse and fear and those emotions tend to shine through, even when you’re trying to squish them. Did he ask you if anything was going on or did you just confess at some point?

A:

CH was suspicious, yes.  In the beginning he knew I was e-mailing with CL often, and he said that he thought I was having an emotional affair.  I didn’t disagree with him, but neither of us thought I was playing with fire.  CH knew I had a crush on CL before we even began dating.

I stopped telling CH that I was e-mailing with CL when the first “I love you”s were exchanged.  CH didn’t ask about it again until almost a year later, about a week before CL and I consummated our love.  He said, “Why don’t you ever talk about [CL] anymore?”  I think he had a spidey sense.  I lowered my eyes and said we still talked sometimes, but it wasn’t worth mentioning.  It was the first time I outwardly lied to CH about the relationship–the rest of the lying was all done through omission.  I wanted so badly to see CL.

A little over a year ago, I made a road trip to visit my family and to say goodbye to CL.  The goodbye part was harder than I thought it would be.  When I returned, CH told me he had found a website I had bookmarked on my laptop (which I had left at home while I was gone), a message board for people hopelessly in (often unrequited or impossible) love.  He asked me what the hell it was, and when I wouldn’t answer, he looked up the term “limerence” on Wikipedia and asked me who I was in love with.  That’s when I told him everything.  So it was a mixture of him asking and me confessing.

There wasn’t any honor in the confession, and I had no idea how CH would react.  Mostly, I didn’t have the strength to keep it a secret anymore.  I was an absolute wreck, and I was ready to stop living that way.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Answers, part six.

  1. *BIG HUG*

    I know this is hard. I am constantly in awe at your ability and willingness to share. I hope it’s helping you heal and push through all of this.

  2. kindred spirit

    CG, all I will say is thank you for sharing what you have in your posts. Your brutal honesty is inspiring and comforting. You have helped me enormously. Positive thoughts for you, prayers for you, energy to you in all ways. You are stronger than you know. You know more than you may know. You are on the right track. Though you may feel at times you are roaming in the dark, keep going. You’ve got good direction. Follow your heart. Remember what brought you the clarity earlier. My thoughts are with you in your journey. KS

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