Q: (from Anonymous)
a) After you and CL consummated your relationship, how did you feel?
b) Did you know you were going to have sex before you did?
c) What sparked your interest in CL when you first started caring for him, and did you ever imagine at that point that you would end up having a relationship?
A: I feel the need to post a disclaimer here. These experiences are beautiful to me, even if they were wrong. So it’s difficult for me to answer these questions without coming off as overly nostalgic. This may be offensive to some people, that I hold these memories as dear, but I do. Mea culpa.
a) Immediately after, exhilarated. We lay in each other’s arms for a while, laughing and talking, dozing and caressing.
A couple hours later, numb. We went to a restaurant for lunch after the first time, and I remember thinking while we were eating that it hadn’t actually happened, that I’d imagined it. Then I went to the restroom and was actually shocked to find the proof of our transgressions there on my undergarments (sex is SO messy). I didn’t even know what it was at first, and I said, “ew” aloud to myself there in the restroom. And then I figured it out, and that’s the moment it became real. I knew somehow that my life would always be different from then on.
A couple days later, heartbroken. He had to go back to his other life. I was left behind and inconsolable.
b) I didn’t know. We didn’t plan it, but we knew it was possible. I didn’t know it would happen until the moment it was happening. We were sitting on the bed in his hotel room, my left hand on his cheek, and I was saying “I love you” over and over to him, looking into his eyes. Then he kissed me, and it was different from the previous kisses we’d shared. More urgent.
c) I think I said in a previous post that I cared for CL for a long time before I acted on it because he was married. At first, I had a crush on him because of his charm and intelligence. Later, when I began to know him better, when I began falling in love with him, it was his tenderness and insight that astonished me and compelled me to know more. And because he understood me so well, the more I learned about him, the more I learned about myself.
Cautionary Husband knew I was going to spend an afternoon with Cautionary Lover when we were very first e-mailing regularly. Cautionary Husband knew him. He told me to “be good” before I left, and I laughed at the thought that anything would happen. Not because I wouldn’t let anything happen, but rather because the thought that Cautionary Lover could’ve been interested in me in that way was unbelievable to me. Too much for my mind to conceive of.
I believe this incredulity is a large reason we fell in love so recklessly. Turns out neither of us could conceive of it. Nothing happened that afternoon, but, in a sense, everything happened that afternoon.