When Cautionary Husband and I were first married, I used to have nightmares that we were getting divorced. It was always based on a huge misunderstanding because I would clearly never want to divorce him of my own volition, but I was helpless to stop it. What’s done is done. What must be shall be.
In some of these dreams we were divorcing because I’d cheated on him, but the cheating usually occurred before the plot of the dream began, and I was very confused as to how in the world I let something like that happen. I’d plead with him, “But I don’t know why I did it! I wasn’t in my right mind!” He wouldn’t hear it, though, and I’d be left with the consequences of my actions, a life in shambles, completely different from what I had imagined for myself on my wedding day.
Occasionally I’m struck that, in the most literal sense, my worst nightmares have come true.
Luckily, my life is not a product of my twisted subconscious. Or, at least, I’m working on that. Cautionary Husband, it turns out, is much more forgiving in real life. And I’m not helpless to stop the divorce. But even if I were, my life would not be in shambles on the other side. What’s done is done, but I’d have to disagree with Juliet: what must be doesn’t have to be. She proved herself wrong, anyway, and killed herself before Thursday next even arrived.
All of the comments and encouragement I received on my last post was overwhelming. I’m so grateful to each of you, for the support and love you send my way. But I’m not sure I deserve it, and I wanted to set the record straight. Some of you said I’m brave, but I’m not. I feel like a coward. Some of you said that at least I can move on knowing that I did everything I could do to save the marriage, but I don’t know that at all. And I need to before I sign those papers.
I haven’t done much to honor my wedding vows, but Cautionary Husband has, even in the face of infidelity and betrayal. And somehow I just can’t convince myself that I’m holding up my end of the bargain, wanting to get divorced because…what? Because he doesn’t understand me? Because he doesn’t meet my needs? Because we don’t connect? It just doesn’t seem substantive enough. It might seem that way to other people, but it doesn’t seem that way to me.
I need better reasons to stay than I have, I know, but I also need better reasons to go than I have. Until I have those, I’m not going anywhere.
And in the meantime, we’re gonna have a whole hell of a lot of fun together, Cautionary Husband and I.