The D-word.

I’ve been trying all week to write a post about the imminent, looming D-word in my life, obviously to no avail.

And, no, I’m not talking about my password.  🙂

I’m terrified and relieved at the same time.  That’s what I say to whomever asks me about it, anyway, which is still just a tiny handful of people.  And, of course, all of you wonderful, supportive password holders.  “Terrified” is an umbrella word that covers such adjectives as “worried,” “guilty,” “sad,” “despairing,” and “lonely.”  And “relieved” covers “free,” “optimistic,” “hopeful,” and…well, there should be a fourth and fifth for symmetry’s sake, but they’re not coming to me.

The moment of clarity is hard to explain without feeling ridiculous.  We were at Starbucks on Saturday before our couples counseling session, which we’ve been doing weekly for over a year now, since I told him about the affair.  We were getting ready to leave, so I gathered up our trash, crumpled it in my hands, and handed it to Cautionary Husband, smiling and saying, “Here, trashman.”

I fully expected him to take it to the trashcan, which wasn’t too far behind him, but instead he glared at me with pure hatred.

And that’s when I knew.  This will never work.

Of course, that’s not a reason for the divorce, just the moment of clarity.  I’m not ready to write about the reasons yet.  I’m not sure if I ever will be.  Though I do have to figure out what to tell my mother, who believes that a marriage should be maintained at all costs, even at the cost of happiness.

Since the divorce is uncontested and we have no joint assets, we don’t have to go to court.  We don’t need lawyers or even mediators.  We print up a contract and sign it.  Mail it in with a $240 check.  Split savings 50/50.  Remove his name from my car.  Remove our rings.

Remove each other from our lives.  Plural now.

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “The D-word.

  1. Ptolemy

    Yikes — I can feel the sucker punch feeling that “moment of clarity” must have included. Somehow, from my very distant distance, it would seem that the careful year you took to review the situation on your own and in therapy will serve you very well for surviving this and then moving on into thriving again someday, maybe even as “friends.”

  2. staticgirl_77

    It’s funny that all it can take is that one moment of absolute clarity to know you are doing the right thing. A look, gesture, words even can absolutely set the stage for the next act, and it all will make sense. Bravo for sticking it out as long as you have and putting your heart and soul into trying to move past all the hurt and injury. In the long run, you’ll never have to ask yourself ‘did I really do everything I could to…’ because you will seek comfort in knowing that you did.

  3. humanbeingblog

    I remember that moment of clarity, when you know that you are D-O-N-E. It’s terrifying, leaping over the edge of the cliff, away from everything you thought would be into the abyss of the unknown.

    Miraculously, the net always appears just in time to catch you.

  4. juliennejiggs

    I’m so proud of your for being able to recognize and acknowledge that moment of clarity.

    And you’re worked. You’ve worked hard to sort this out. Did CH also see that moment of clarity?

  5. There’s a part of me that hopes – and used to believe – that if two people try hard enough, anything can be maintained. But when you look at the cost of happiness, when you look at the fact that one person in that set is clearly sacrificing SOMETHING, you know it’s not possible. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice. Atleast I don’t think. And in the end, I think you’ll be able to look back at this and think – know – that you tried everything. You didn’t half ass it. You didn’t just give up. You tried. And by god, when one door closes, another one will no doubt open.

  6. wow. i can’t pretend to understand where you’re coming from since i’ve never experienced this before, but removing yourself from a situation that causes you so much angst and to be free and able to work on moving on…well, that has to be a blessing in disguise.

  7. It’s hard, but when you know, you know.

    And don’t worry – all of those things you’re feeling are normal and okay and eventually the good stuff will outweigh the bad stuff.

    Deep breath in.

  8. On paper, it all sounds so simple. But I know there are the emotions – the rollercoaster highs and lows – waiting, lingering in the background for just the right moment, to attack. Will you continue counseling for a time afterward?

    It’s good when your life begins to take shape, when you can begin to see the future without feeling in limbo. I’m glad you’re sharing so honestly with us. Thank you.

  9. I can’t say I understand the D-word…but I can imagine it brings a wide range of emotions with it. Thanks for letting us Password Holders join you (and support you) on this journey!

    Praying for you!

  10. kindred spirit

    Lots of good comments by your readers. Impressive insight by you to see the event as clarity and not a strike against you. I don’t have much to add. I just wish I had, at your age, the insight and connectedness to my Inner Self that you have. I know it is not easy, but you now have a clear direction, which is eternally helpful. You go girl.

  11. Liza

    just wanted to pipe in another- have no idea what this is like, but thinking of you and so amazed at your strength! wishing good things you way!

  12. hey friend. just wanted to say, well…really not sure what to say but just wanted you to know that yet another person out there is supporting you. thinking of you. praying for you.

  13. The road will be rough, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

    Good luck.

  14. kindred spirit

    Quite a lot of stimulating thoughts both from you and all those contributing. You have many ideas to consider and think upon. A few pebbles –

    You had a moment of clarity. There was something that caused you to see and feel that clarity. Dig it out.

    There can be a different forces pulling in different directions as you are no doubt experiencing. Identify them and analyze each to see what is behind it. Culture, religion, joy, desires, fear? Don’t allow the fear to influence you either way. Look to the joy. If fear prevents the peace, look past the fear.

    You want to be happy, identify what makes you happy and pursue that.

    I just received this and thought it might be appropriate:

    “Why do dogs risk getting bugs in their eyes sticking their heads out of car windows? Because the contrast of the bugs in the eye (vs. no bugs in the eye) is a small price to pay for the exhilaration of that ride.” (Abraham-hicks)

    Forget the bugs. Enjoy the ride.

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