We built a good fire, then we watched it burn down.

It looks like my Cautionary Marriage is nearing its end.  It’s hard to say what’s changed in the last few days, but both of us are realizing that we’re not meeting each other’s needs, and there’s really no reason to live the rest of our lives this way.  We’re getting together tonight to hammer out the details of what the next few months will bring.

During lunch I was eating my Boston-creme-pie-flavored light yogurt and flipping through the most recent J. Crew catalogue, all the while trying to picture divorce in my head.  I’ve actually spent the greater part of the last five months trying to picture divorce in my head.  Some of the pictures are of shame and loneliness, some are of freedom and possibility, but all of them are terrifying.

I usually look through only the women’s section of the catalogue, but for some reason I turned to then men’s section, and the sight of one of the model’s hairy legs broke my heart.  They reminded me of Cautionary Husband’s hairy legs.  I love his hairy legs.  I wanted to build a life with those hairy legs.  And while those hairy legs aren’t enough to keep our marriage together, I can’t imagine a life without them in bed next to my own legs every night.



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13 responses to “We built a good fire, then we watched it burn down.

  1. Ohh, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry would imply that there’s something bad about the situation, but if this is for the best for both of you then I guess all there is too say is good for both of you for sorting things out. (Hopefully that didn’t come across harsly).

    I’m thinking about you kid and if you need an ear you know where to find me 🙂

  2. tabithablogs

    I wish I had some consolatory words, but I don’t have too much experience in the realm of marriage or divorce. I had a good friend in college who got divorced before she was 25 years old, and while the whole process was gut-wrenching and full of so many emotions (like you said, shame and loneliness, relief and anxiousness), her situation was ultimately made much better by ending the marriage. Anyway, I wish you peace and comfort throughout whatever happens these coming weeks and months.

  3. Well, I *am* sorry. I am sorry because divorce sucks; because when you married you never intended for it to turn out this way, to be facing this decision, to be facing this future.

    Is it just that your last few days have been “off”, or is there something more? Because everyone has off days. And I know that you have been going down this road for many months now, that your separation could only go two ways, but still I’m optimistic. Have I ever told you how ridiculously optimistic I am? I’m still holding out for you two.

  4. nic

    I love you, lady. Just keep breathing.

  5. humanbeingblog

    Oh honey I’m so so sorry.

    So sorry.

    Having gone through it 5 years ago, all I can say is it will suck really bad for a while, and then you’ll have a good day, and soon the good days and bad days will be in balance, and then the good days will outnumber the bad, and then you’ll be through to the other side.

    Let yourself mourn the hairy legs and the life you thought you would have. Don’t rush through it. Keep sitting and identifying those feelings, but please, please don’t judge them. You will know yourself so much better when you’re through with this, and you’ll really understand what you want from your life.

    The most helpful advice I got during my divorce was this:

    Everyone is supposed to be in your life for a specific reason, a specific amount of time. When that time is up, the relationship ends. Sometimes, it’s only as long as a brief conversation in the grocery line. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime. Its ending isn’t shameful. It just is.

    Peace to you CG.


    PS, get a good lawyer who will keep your best interests in mind. It’s very easy to let guilt get the best of you right now. Mediation sounds good on paper, but in the end both parties feel screwed. My ex and I both wish we would have used lawyers. So does Steve.

  6. Katie

    I know it can only go two ways, obviously, you can’t stay separated forever. But, for some reason, I had in my head, that you two would end up together. It just seemed, hopeful. His forgiveness. Your willingness. Your desire to actually work through the shit (isn’t that the hardest part, the willingness to examine your own self and heart?). Still, I have confidence in the fact that you are searching for truth and what is right for you, for him. Courage, dear.

  7. DB

    I’m pretty heart broken for you two. I have been praying for your marriage for a while now, and I am also an eternal optimist, so I was hoping for a reconciliation.

    But- whatever decision you make, I want you to know I’m here for you and I love you. You are going through some incredibly hard times right now, and I’m so sorry for that.

    You remain in my prayers and on my mind.

  8. i love you lady.
    you’re never far from my mind.

  9. Hang in there. It is scary and I remember feeling the same things. But you’ll survive and you’ll be strong and you’ll make it through this. Divorce is not the end of the world and in fact, it will allow you to one day find a love that fulfills all your needs.

    Also, I agree with other commentors – get a lawyer. It just makes everything easier for both of you and is worth the cost. Trust me.

  10. Jennie

    I’m sorry. I’m sending virtual hugs. I hope you have real life support as well as support from all the lovely people here.

    I hope that everything will work out how it’s supposed to in the end, and that you’ll rediscover your own strength and heal.

  11. Love you, friend. Love you both.

  12. I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I am not sure
    whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my problem.

    You’re incredible! Thanks!

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