Answers, part four.

Q: (from “you know”)

a) Was it worth waiting to have sex until you got married?

b) What was it about Cautionary Lover that made you fall for him?

c) What is it about Cautionary Husband that made you stay?

d) How’s The Petite Bunny? :)

A:

a) No.  It wasn’t.  I think that if Cautionary Husband and I had consummated our love when the passion we felt for each other was at its peak instead of waiting (nearly three years) until our wedding night, things would be very different now.  As it is, I have no memory of a truly passionate sexual experience with him, and that’s making it difficult for me to imagine a truly exciting sexual future with him.

I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve decided that when/if I have children, I will urge them to wait until they’re in (requited) love with someone to have sex with them, but I will also urge them not to wait until marriage.  I will want them to be safe and smart and responsible about it, but I will also want them to experience the physical manifestation of love when they feel the emotional manifestation of it, because it is a powerful thing and an important life experience.

b) I had a crush on Cautionary Lover for years but never acted on it because he’s married.  His intelligence and charm and wit did me right in.  I respected him a lot (and still do).  When we began e-mailing and he actually seemed interested in me (ME!) and what I had to say, I was flattered and astounded and incredulous.

c) His capacity for forgiveness and the unconditional love he has for me.  And the hope that we can find together the kind of love and intimacy I now know exists.

d) The Petite Bunny is my best friend.  A common side-effect of Lexapro is anorgasmia, but I am pleased to report that I definitely do not suffer from this particular side-effect. 🙂

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Answers, part four.

  1. DB

    So, have you and CH gotten right down to it and talked about your sex issues? Getting it all out on the table is crucial to fixing what’s wrong.

  2. Leslie

    How did I not know that you waited until marriage to have sex? Although I respect the thought of that, I def. couldn’t do it. Sex is too big a part of my life to risk not having passion.

    Not to be a downer, but if you can’t picture passion, you’ll probably never have it.

    Envisioning it is half the fun!

  3. humanbeingblog

    My now-ex and I had a “decent” sex life for the first 6 months of our relationship. Then it went south, and by the time we got married we were hardly ever having sex at all. The lack of physical intimacy–he’s not a physical person, doesn’t like holding hands or cuddling on the couch, never just reached his foot out to touch mine–was a major nail in the coffin of our marriage. We never were on the same page, and that contributed to a general lack of trust and intimacy between us.

    I didn’t know that I needed so much physical attention until I started to get it. Of the five “love languages” my top 2 are words of affirmation and physical touch. My ex didn’t give me much of either, so I was basically starved by the time it was over. (His main love language by far is “acts of service” and that, I don’t even recognize as love.)

    Steve and I have had a shitty 3 1/2 years of relationship, and sometimes the only thing that keeps us going is how physically compatible we are. Sex does not equal love, but love can equal sex. We can be fighting about everything–his job, money, how I treat (or don’t treat) his son, my depression, you name it, we fight about it–and then he touches me, and I just can’t stay mad at him. His touch soothes me, and mine soothes him. And the sex, well when it’s bad it’s still an 8/10.

    Just like you deserve to be someone’s #1 choice (god, do I know how it feels to be continually #2 to someone or somebody), you also deserve to have a rewarding physical relationship.

    I really hope you can work that part out. Because having that part worked out can make the rest of it so much easier.

    Petite Bunny be damned …

    Best,
    Lynn

  4. The last man I was with was by far the best lover I’ve ever had. We had that intense, risk-everything kind of relationship that carried over into our sex life and we could not get enough of one another.

    Now I’m with an amazing man and we have good sex. It’s not the intense-gotta-have-you-right-now kind, but it’s good. I’m hoping it gets better as he’s a great catch… I won’t settle for less than amazing, the sexual connection you have with someone directly impacts your connection with them overall (at least that’s what I believe).

  5. kindred spirit

    CG, thank you. Thank you for your blog. It helps me. Those who contribute their replies, thank you. Your replies help me. Hearing the honest thoughts you all post confirms so much. My best to all of you. Blessings, blessings, blessings…

    kindred spirit

  6. Jennie

    I couldn’t imagine waiting until marriage, but I do agree with the waiting until in requited love. I did and don’t regret it.

    Unconditional love and forgiveness are wonderful qualities. I hope that you two are continuing to talk and will decide what’s best for both of you.

  7. thebrokins

    I have a daughter. When I think about her growing up and falling in love with boys and having to make decisions about sex, it scares the holy crap right out of me. I hope that she will want to talk to me about it, I hope that I can help her make wise decisions, I hope that she will be wiser than I was.

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