Q: (from Kindred Spirit) Your feelings for CL still run strong. Yet do you know how he feels about you? Did the guilt shut him down? Do you still talk to him? If he summoned you, would you go? Was it “just an affair” or was it much more to you?
A: That’s a lot o’ questions. Good ones.
First, I do know how CL feels about me. I know that he loves me. I know that it’s not necessarily the same love I feel for him, and it’s certainly not an unselfish love, but it’s the truest love he says he’s ever felt. And I believe him.
I’m not sure I understand the second one. But CL never seemed to feel much guilt. Or, if he did, he didn’t talk to me about it. Neither of us really wanted to be a source of guilt and shame for the other. But, since we likely were, we didn’t want to know about it. We were really good at denial. In the end, he was better at it than me.
I don’t talk to him. The ending was anything but clean. But finally I asked him never to contact me again for the rest of his life, and he’s remained true to that.
If he summoned me, I would not go. I am not his first choice, and that’s been made very clear. And I deserve to be someone’s first choice.
It was definitely not “just an affair.” I’m not sure what that means. Just sex? I can only speak for myself here, but it was not just sex. I didn’t go out looking for it. It happened unexpectedly. We began e-mailing. Then we fell in love. Then we made the heartbreaking choice to consummate that love. And then it was too much for me to handle.
I had been asleep before I fell in love with him. I didn’t know it, but I was. He woke me up. He showed me the good and wonderful things about myself. He made me feel strong, capable, and lovable. He accepted everything about me. He loved everything I showed him and always wanted to see more.
It was the most painful, pleasurable, joyous, sorrowful, surprising, beautiful, horrible, frightening, comforting thing that has ever happened to me. And it was wrong.