Day 6.

Either the Lexapro isn’t working yet and things are getting worse in the meantime, or the Lexapro is making things worse.  I don’t really care which is the case.  I’m beginning to panic that it won’t ever work, and I have to spend three more weeks feeling like this before I can try something else.

I go home for lunch and sit in silence reading An American Childhood by Annie Dillard as I stuff down a ham sandwich that tastes dry and empty.  I turn a page and glimpse my chipped nailpolish.  They need repainting.  I select a dainty light pink color that a happy person might wear.

My lunch hour is running out, so I dry my nails with the fan I keep on my bedside table for white noise.  It drowns out the tinnitus at night.  The curtains are drawn and it is cloudy outside.  The grey room seems to be filled with smoke.  As I stand in front of the fan and stare at the wall feeling the cold air whoosh by my hands, the dog watches me from the doorway, a worried expression on his face, as if he is anticipating having to catch me should I fall.

We are both creatures of habit, which is why we get along so well.  We become afraid when anything is out of the ordinary.

I want to lie down on the bed and sleep.  I think about how sometimes people who are depressed suffer from insomnia.  Sleep is the only thing rescuing me from this unbearable existing.  The existing won’t go away.  I am always existing.  I can’t stop existing.  I don’t know how the insomniacs do it.

I go back to work instead, the polish on my nails still soft.



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9 responses to “Day 6.

  1. Sandy

    I feel your pain. I wish I could do something to make it better. Two more weeks. Count down the days. It is amazing when it happens but it just takes time to replenish those hormones.
    In the meantime, baby yourself. Do whatever makes you feel better. Buy flowers, eat soup or ice cream or chocolate or whatever comforts you. Snuggle with your dog. Listen to comforting music. Nurture yourself. The next 14 days need to be about you. It will be better. This is a good drug but each of the drugs only works for about 60% of the population. You will get some benefit but if it isn’t optimum there are so many others to try. The perfect fit is out there. You will feel better soon.

  2. humanbeingblog

    It’s so hard to feel patient when all you want to feel is better.

    Write about it and cut yourself a lot of slack.


  3. Well, I was taught that with depression people sleep a lot or not at all, and it’s the people with insomnia that have it more severe. So there’s that, not that it helps any. In fact maybe it’s the opposite of helpful. Hmm.

  4. anonymous

    My advice: Don’t count on an anti-depressant making you feel different. I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year, and I’m just now coming off, and in retrospect realized, it’s not the anti-depressant that changes how you feel, its you.

    Pretend that depression is like a long dark hallway. You really can’t see anything beyond the hallway, and it’s really dark. Anti-depressants kinda give the hallway some light, or take away all the walls that are confining you. BUT since you are so used to only looking in one direction, you might not see the walls disappearing or the light becoming brighter. BUT LOOK for it. HOPE for it. The anti-depressant makes the looking and the hoping possible.

  5. anonymous

    I’ve experienced insomnia and a total addiction to sleep. Sometimes I slept so much I didn’t think it was possible. Other times, I couldn’t remember what it was like to sleep restfully. I’d lay in bed and think, am I asleep? Did I forget how sleep felt? That was when I realized I wasn’t really sleeping.

    Sleep is my release. Anxiety keeps me awake. But anxiety sometimes wore me the hell out. So I’d find myself asleep again. I think you might experience both.

  6. juliennejiggs

    It’s just one day at a time and hopefully one of these days things start looking up.

  7. DB

    You need to remember that when it comes to depression, every person responds differently. Just listen to your own body.

  8. CG,
    You are loved and being prayed for. Don’t give up.

  9. Hang in there, I promise PROMISE-PROMISE you’ll get through this. It will get better, you’ll find some relief.

    Talk to your therapist, make a date with a girlfriend to get a pedicure, go out for ice cream with CH, take your pooch to the dog park (it’s a fact, you cannot cry when surrounded by that many dogs!)


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