Rock bottom.

On Thursday afternoon, I wrote, “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I’m getting better every day.”

I’m not sure why I wrote that.  It was a lie.  I knew it the second I wrote it.  But I wanted so much to believe that I was happy, and that I will be even happier soon.  I wanted to make it true.  Like those days I’m feeling the shittiest inwardly so I try to look my best outwardly, as if a pretty dress and coiffed hair will fix everything.  As if I look the part, I’ll feel the part also.

Successful.  Content.  Put-together.  Maintained.  Motivated.  Directed.  Optimistic.

Happy.

Empirically, I thought it should be true.  I should be happy.  There are a lot of places to find happiness, and if I looked there, I should be happy.  But in reality, it is very, very far from the truth.

On Thursday night, I broke down.  Turns out trying to convince myself to be happy doesn’t really work.  Also, is exhausting.  And may cause terrifying crying spells.  I didn’t know where to put my eyes.  No place I put my eyes could make things better.  Even closing them couldn’t make things better.  I was standing in my breakfast nook with unfocused, burned eyes, hands at my sides, head down, and nothing could make it better.  Not the tears dripping from my chin.  Not Cautionary Husband’s hands on either side of my head.

I’m not okay, and I’m just now realizing it.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Rock bottom.

  1. juliennejiggs

    Oh, my dear. I don’t even know what to say. I am thinking about you and praying for you. I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now and I’m praying for that to lift for you.

    Let me know if there is anything else I can do 🙂

  2. Oh, I feel for you so much. This will only be temporary. You will look back one day and be amazed at how far you have come and at how much happiness you have achieved. In the meantime, I will send you as many hugs as I can.

  3. DB

    I’m so sorry, honey. It’s really hard to admit that you’re not perfect, that you honestly don’t have it together like you would have the world believe.

    But that’s the starting place to getting better. You’re going to be okay.

  4. Sandy

    I am so sorry. I know from personal experience how much this hurts. I wish I could give you a hug. I am old enough to be your mother and yet I am only now dealing with my demons. It never gets easier but I can tell you that you cannot change the past, only the now and the future. It is such a relief to finally break free of the chains and look back on it rather than letting it hold you down. I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away. Hang in there. It will be worth it. Sandy

  5. I’m so, so sorry. You sound inconsolable, but I wish I could give you a hug anyway. Life is so hard sometimes, but it DOES get better. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it, sometimes you feel like you’re just hitting rock bottom again, and again, and again, but eventually, it will. It has to. You’re too fantastic of a person to spend your life crying in a breakfast nook. Hang in there, and all the best.

  6. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel this way, I promise you’ll get through it. And sometimes you have to lie to yourself (and others) to make it through the day.

    Hang in there, I have faith you’ll be happy.

  7. kindred spirit

    Yes, your “Hey it’s the sun, and it makes me shine” blog struck me as a tiny bit surprising given what you are dealing with. But, hey, I’m up for happy any time.

    You are definitely going through a “Dark Night of the Soul” period in life (St. John of the Cross, if you’re interested). It is a time of cleansing and a time of growth. Mine was devoid of joy, even the simple ones. But it comes back. Keep looking. There are small nuggets that come along from time to time. I know your thoughts and struggles, your pain and despair, but I know, too, it will come around with time. I never thought I’d see the light at the end of the tunnel. Never. One step at a time. Keep the faith. You are a changed person. Continue to focus on the Light Within. “Deep within us all there is an amazing inner sanctuary of the soul, a holy place, a Divine Center, a speaking Voice, to which we may continuously return.”

    You have an enormous following on your blog. Though we cannot be your surrogates even if we want to, we are here. And the thoughts, energies, and prayer flow to you and for you.

  8. I promise this is okay. You are actually okay, and thankfully, being human. By crying, by breaking down, you are dealing with the hurt and pain. You aren’t squashing it unhealthily, but you are dealing. Every breakdown means you are letting something out. I’m really proud of you. We’re all here sending bits of love. It doesn’t fix anything, but you are not walking entirely alone.

  9. humanbeingblog

    We’re conditioned to let things roll off our backs, to not be upset, to hold it together. That’s what society expects.

    But most of the time, we just prolong our pain when we stop ourselves from experiencing and expressing it, just as you did with the smile and the pretty dress.

    The best line ever written about this situation is from Alanis Morrisette: The only way out is through. The faster we’re in the better.

    Jump into your pain with both feet. Feel it in all of its intensity. Name its flavors. When it is acknowledged, when you know it well, it will feel lighter and lighter.

    Patience and peace to you.
    Lynn

  10. Of course I had to come back and check on you.

    So much love from me to you. And some tears, too.

  11. There are few things as devastating and terrifying as the realization that we cannot do it alone, that we are too weak to keep on our feet. But there are also few things as comforting and rejuvenating as the realization that we can find strength in each other, that separated we collapse but that together we can stand, hand in hand, supporting each other.

    You mean a lot to me. I miss you and hope that the next sunrise shines a ray of happiness on you.

  12. Jennie

    Sometimes we have to convince ourselves that we are okay in order to get through the day. I think very few people are as “put together” as they appear.

    I hope you can find your light and strength amidst the sadness.

  13. anonymous

    I do the same thing. The shittier I feel inside, the better I try to look outside. Thanks.

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