Answers, part one.

Q: (From Carl) How did you meet CL and how did you go from being married to in an affair so quickly?

A: Unfortunately, I cannot answer the first part of this question in order to protect CL’s identity.  I wish I could, because it adds much color to the understanding of our relationship.  But it would be a very, very bad idea.

I can try to answer the second part, though.  What it comes down to is a basic lack of emotional intimacy.  CH’s and my relationship was missing something enormous, something essential, and had been missing it all along, since before we were even married.  And neither of us knew it because neither of us had ever experienced emotional intimacy in any relationship before–not in our families, in our friendships, or even in our previous romantic relationships.

When I began falling in love with CL, it was because emotional intimacy was unfolding naturally and effortlessly between us.  We had established a deep, unbreakable connection before either of us even realized what was happening.

The medium over which we fell in love, e-mail, had much to do with this.  E-mail makes us bolder, more courageous.  It allows us to say things that we would never normally say because we don’t have to sit there and endure the other person’s reaction.  We can speak and flee.  We have time to pick our words carefully.  It’s safe.

Also, the degree to which my soul was starved for emotional intimacy was severe, I believe.  It’s kind of funny.  When I first started to go to therapy over a year ago because I couldn’t handle the shit storm that was my life, I thought the affair had nothing to do with my marriage.  Now I see that’s not exactly true.  Not that my marriage or CH is to blame.  But those things did contribute a little to the environment in which the affair was born.

Cautionary Therapist said I was desperate and had nothing to lose.  And the worst part of it is that I had no idea how desperate I was.  How lonely and sad.  When CL reached out, when he understood me, it was everything.  It changed everything.

So.  A perfect storm of sorts.  Or, in the words of Jazon Mraz (and CL), a beautiful mess.



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4 responses to “Answers, part one.

  1. confessionsofasecretkeeper

    Amazing post. Gives a great insight into how all of this started! x

  2. humanbeingblog

    Oh, CG, I have been exactly in your shoes. Exactly. The exception, perhaps, was that my CL was my college fiance (CF), who I was still in love with 14 years after we broke up. I also hated his guts and wanted him dead because he hurt me so badly. When he reappeared in my life, my now-ex and I had been married for 5 years, and I regretted marrying him before I even said I Do. So much was missing in our relationship, but mostly it was trust–the kind of trust you have when you can really be who you are and know the other person will love you. I married him because I thought that was what you do–you get married. I was 26.

    My affair started when CF Googled me and emailed me at work. He wanted to know how I was. My mistake wasn’t in answering him, because eventually, I gained back a huge piece of my heart I’d given to him–a piece that was not available for my husband or for me. My mistake was not telling my husband about the contact. That made it daring, special, thrilling. I knew my husband would not let me talk to CF because he knew I was still in love with him. I also knew that I desperately needed to tell CF everything I had wanted to tell him for nearly 2 decades.

    So I sent him an email, which led to an email conversation, which led to lunch, which led to expression of love from him (he was married too) which led to an 8-week affair of the heart that was consummated just once. Then CF once again pulled the same crap he did in college. He wouldn’t choose me. I was prepared to leave my husband. But CF wouldn’t leave his wife.

    I felt so guilty that I told my husband about the contact, but not about the sex. He knew that I would leave him for CF. So he left me first. Then, we were both in a wedding two days later, and we got roaring drunk, and we had goodbye sex in the bathroom at the reception hall, and I got pregnant.

    So, we stayed together for another 3+ years. And I almost died from hatred and being hated.

    I no longer am in love with CF. I have now been divorced for almost 5 years. But that whole beautiful mess taught me that I had deserved better than both of them. And that’s what I have now.

    The lesson for me was to allow myself to have what I want, and to admit that I’d made a mistake, and to apologize and walk away from that mistake and be OK with it. Because everyone, everyone makes mistakes.

  3. kindred spirit

    CG: Wow.

    humanbeingblog: Wow.

    Both of you: It is heart-warming to hear honesty instead of the b.s. that is expected of us in our society and culture – you know, sticking to the company line because that is what is expected. You are both inspiring and courageous to step out of expectations, to seek your true selves, and to share so that we readers may take note and learn how mistakes, searching, honesty with ourselves can refine us, help us define ourselves, and lead to an awakening. Thank you.

  4. juliennejiggs

    Glad to see you’re sticking with the blog. 🙂

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