Cautionary security breach.

Cautionary Husband found the blog on Thursday.  And read it.  And things have been unbelievably shitty.  And neither of us really knows where to go from here.

Yesterday he gave me back his wedding band.  He told me to give it back to him when it means something to me.  I’m wearing it on my right thumb as I type, as if I’m married to myself, carrying both emblems of our marriage on my own two hands.  It’s not especially comfortable, having a thick gold band on my right thumb, but the idea of it just sitting in a drawer somewhere, no one wearing it, my band without a living partner, is intolerable.

I’m having a difficult time figuring out what to do about my blog.  I can feel myself rebounding from the blogger’s block, but now there’s another, bigger block: my marriage.

You all asked me wonderful questions.  Questions that I look forward to answering.  I guess I just have to find the courage to answer them in spite of who’s reading.  Or maybe work my way back towards my prior boldness, question by question.

There is one I can answer with ease.

Q: Would you rather burp confetti or fart purple gas?

A: Confetti.  Without a doubt.  Because if you know me at all, you would know that even reading the word “fart” absolutely mortifies me.  Also, who doesn’t love confetti?

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20 Comments

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20 responses to “Cautionary security breach.

  1. kindred spirit

    It will pass. You must be accepted for who you are. CL or CH, if they cannot accept you for who you are, life with either would be difficult – not to say you should reveal everything to your mate, God knows I don’t. But I’m accepted for who I am, even with the details of my own affair out, the intimate details. I’m still with my wife; though think of my own CL often, er- daily. You’re kid-less and at an age where it is easier to start anew. “Easier” being a relative term. My situation was much more complex. If you want the details, I’ll share them, perhaps privately. You have my empathy, and my thoughts are with you. ks

  2. humanbeingblog

    Wow.

    Having been in a similar situation, where I got caught with my pants down, I can only say I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

    And here’s a hug.

    Lynn

  3. Okay, I am SO not you but I think that CH is being quite passive aggressive and I’m pretty sure I was once married to just this guy.

    Yes, you are the one who cheated…but you know, in NO way were you the only one that took part in your marriage being so difficult. What he learned that he didn’t know? That you cheated? Check. That you cared for this man? Check. Ultimately, he’s pretending that it’s all your fault. And I’m sorry, it just isn’t…not at this point.

    You are complex, you are working yourself out and trying (I think) to figure out what you want. There is no shame in this.

    Giving you the ring and saying to give it back when it means something is childish.

    Only you know your situation, you know? But this is just something I have way too much experience with in my own previous marriage. I decided that I, in fact, didn’t want to be married any more. That I didn’t want a life where I was always the one who was wrong, and had to make amends (and yes, this was before I ever cheated). Your marriage may look NOTHING like mine, but do be aware of babyish actions that are not mature, and not supportive.

    If nothing else, I’m thinking of you!

  4. Eek on all accounts!! I really hope things improve and your boldness returns!! This could always be turned in to the tales of cautionarydog, I definitely think he’d like his own blog.

    Consider your blog your headspace, you’re allowed to think things that you wouldn’t say out loud (god, I def do that enough). You should try not to worry about CH reading it – he shouldn’t be climbing in your head afterall!! X

  5. Cautionary reader

    More questions:

    Are you honestly surprised that CH was able to find your secret blog? Or did some part of you want him to find it so he would end it? Did you make the decision to stay with CH months ago because CL chose his wife and family?

  6. juliennejiggs

    Oh, that one must have been like a punch in the stomach. My question is this – did he go out and try to find it? I can’t imagine him just “accidentally” stumbling upon it. If he knew that there was somewhere you needed to write to try and sort things out without him reading then why would he go looking for it? But I do understand his desire to want to know what’s in your head. Ahh, I’m going to stop now before I start talking in circles any more than I am.

    Thinking of you today 🙂

  7. Something to consider and maybe to even ask CH (and perhaps you already have) – Why did he feel the need to search out your blog? What was his motivation for doing so?

    My ex-hubby sought and found and read my journal. It was the beginning of the end for us. At one point I asked him why he did this and he replied, “I knew something was wrong,” yet he never thought to ASK ME what that something was. Instead he betrayed my trust and my privacy.

    You write an anonymous blog as an outlet for your emotions, as a way of working through things, as a way of confessing the things that are eating at your soul – the same was true of my journal. To have your spouse search out this private part of you, for the soul purpose of then using it against you is not okay or acceptable.

    I am not stating that you have been perfect in your marriage (or that I was perfect in mine for that matter). I am simply addressing THIS issue without pulling other issues into it.

    Deep breath in.

  8. Perhaps he was meant to find it. Sure it hurt him, but isn’t it best that he knows all of your raw emotions. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Everything.

    And I hope if he’s reading these comments he knows that too.

    Good luck hun. Hang in there.

  9. Jennie

    Blogging definitely has its disadvantages and dangers. You should be able to have a place where you can be yourself and express yourself freely.

    I hope you and CH are able to talk and figure what’s best for both of you. Take care!

  10. Jenn

    What I am about to say, I say with much caution; mainly because I have enjoyed reading your writing so much over the past few months. It is intelligent, witty, and insightful. It’s beautiful, vulnerable, and honest, and that is incredibly rare.
    However, I think it is possible that you are at a crossroads at weighing your priorities – Cautionary Husband or Cautionary Blog. Perhaps it IS like Manda says that it might be “best if he knew all of your raw emotions.”
    Are you able to be as vulnerable and honest with CH?

  11. DB

    In the past, when I’ve asked my husband why he doesn’t read my blog regularly, he said “Because I should already know the things you write about.”

    In that same vein, it would have been helpful to share your feelings and thoughts with CH before you posted them on the internet. I get that that’s not the point of this blog; this was something for you to use to vent your feelings anonymously.

    But is it a realistic expectation to think the blog will stay anonymous when so many people know about it? Even CL found it. If the situation was reversed, wouldn’t you want to know the things CH was feeling but wouldn’t share with you?

  12. Katie

    (DB’s advice seems wise.)

    A million years ago my [then] Boyfriend found a journal entry of mine that was mostly written about another Man. While I was not cheating on Boyfriend physically, there is no doubt I was mentally and emotionally, and this journal entry that he read was largely about that. Boyfriend was crushed. CRUSHED. I couldn’t understand… he already knew about this other Man and I felt like I had already told him all of the things he was reading.
    But he hadn’t heard. It was the journal entry that helped him realize and understand what I was feeling. I could have told him until I was blue in the face.

    Looking back, I think reading my journal entry made Boyfriend feel isolated. It was as if the rug had been pulled out from underneath him. Sure, I had told him things and we had discussed the issue, but to read my heart pouring out on paper (computer screen) was more tangible than anything I could have said.

  13. I don’t really know what to say, other than that I love you and I hope it works out. I really do. I’m cheering for the both of you, regardless of who is messing up or who is blaming who. I believe your marriage is worth fighting for and I think you do, too. Good luck, friend.

  14. kristi

    once, i did one of those 25 random things notes (so silly). and my sweet boyfriend read it. and it actually bothered him that there were things he didn’t know about me. if i’ve learned anything in the last 2 years, its that i don’t tell anyone or write anything that i wouldn’t share with phillip. and like DB said – he should already know what i’m writing.

    i wish i had more experience or pieces of wisdom or some sort of insight into the future. and i wish i lived closer….i’d hug you.

  15. I was thinking about this today. I know it’s easy for me to have an opinion, because I am not in this situation, and I cannot fully understand all of it.

    But this is what I thought today while I was driving home. I have read your writing for a while, and the things you have written since you started here have been incredible. They have made me laugh, and cry, and cringe, and I have stayed awake at night thinking about them and re-reading them. Perhaps that makes me a little creepy, but not when considering that I do the same thing with books that change me, like The Razor’s Edge.

    Anyway, I think it would be a tragedy to lose what you have here, the ability to write things that impact people. Of course, there are so many complications with CH finding the blog, but this writing…it is phenomenal. I hope you don’t lose that. I know what it’s like to write, to need to write, and I hope you can still do it.

  16. Ptolemy

    My thought on this was simply that it seemed like CH missed the point of the blog — how much you’ve grown as you’ve worked through everything… I don’t know you, but it seemed like you were growing closer to CH. You were honestly struggling with your experience. Perhaps as someone above said, it was the shock of seeing it in print that made it all the more black-n-white to CH, despite having heard the words spoken previously… But he overlooked that you DO take your marriage VERY seriously, that it absolutely DOES have meaning… Anyone can file for divorce… Choosing to do the hard work that you are doing now is worthy of honor. Yes, you did this terrible thing… But you certainly are suffering plenty for it and as much as I can see from a great distance, you are trying to find your way back to a healthy and real relationship with CH. I think you could’ve returned the ring to CH on the spot if the condition was “when it means something.”

  17. I just wanted to echo what Sadie said, although i am not in your situation, what i do know is that your writing has been incredible. CH should see this side of you, its amazing. its been so clear through your writing how hard you are working, its inspiring to see on the screen. I hope CH reads and understands.

  18. When asked whether he was an optimist or a pessimist, Leslie Newbigin responded, “I’m neither an optimist nor a pessimist; Jesus Christ is risen from the dead.”

    There is plenty of great advice here on this comment wall. No need for me to add to your confusion. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and that Jesus Christ died for this.

  19. girlfromthenorthcountry

    As you know, I recently had a similar experience where my ex-boyfriend discovered my secret blog because he hacked into my email and found the url and password. In his case, I think he snooped because he believed there was something going on that I wasn’t telling him. He tends to be the kind of man who just wants to seek the knowledge, figure out the answers, and fix things. He thought he could by violating my privacy. Instead, he found out things about me that he had no right to know, as my ex-boyfriend. And it tortured him. I don’t blame him that it tortured him and that he reacted in a crazy manner — I wrote a lot of things that I was trying to protect him from, whether that was the right thing to do or not. Given time, I pray that CH will realize that he needs to know this side of you and accept you and love you if you both are to ever achieve the emotional intimacy you crave. On the other hand, I don’t blame him for feeling broken. In my experience, it’s just one of the hard paths on the way to healing. You are constantly in my heart.

  20. BanditWhite5Golf

    But wouldn’t burping confetti hurt?

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