It’s a bad time to not be cussing.

I’ve been battling the crazy. And I haven’t been able to write about it because I think Cautionary Lover is reading, and I don’t want him to know how crazy I, in fact, am. And just when I thought the crazy was finally subsiding to the point where I could write about it, I became so crazy that I thought maybe I wouldn’t update my blog ever again, and maybe then he would worry about me some. I’m not sure where down the line causing worry became a goal, but I think it has something to do with BEING CRAZY.

I decided just to blog about the crazy, because it’s a win-win. I’m exercising the very weak, atrophied muscles of not letting what others may think about me prevent me from writing, and I have the added bonus of probably causing him to worry about me anyway. Because, obviously, I am crazy. So, I guess, the only loser here is me. Crazy old loser blogging crazy me.

About a month ago, I was all, I’m moving on. I’m letting go. And then when the initial redemptive shock of it passed, it got harder, but I was still moving on. I was still letting go. Just a little more slowly, is all. It’s harder than I thought, okay? And then my parking spot got moved, and I was all, this will help me move on. This will help me let go. But when that connection was lost, something in my mind became unhinged. And I began obsessing. Pretty much non-stop. A daily 30-minute jaunt down memory lane was traded in for a full-on 24-hour-a-day sprint through the obsessive annals of Cautionary Girl’s mind. It never rested. I never rested.

I officially began to lose it. And then I began to worry that I’ve become the crazy ex-mistress. You know the kind. In film and literature. They start out all normal, just kind of tragically beautiful and maybe unintentionally seductive, and then they become An Other Woman, and then they get obsessive and sad and desperate, and then they threaten the cheating man’s lying secret way of life, and then the cheating man’s only solution for getting out of the mess is to kill his ex-mistress. Or sometimes she gets pregnant with his child before she goes crazy, and then he kills both of them. And then continues on calmly with his life, never really having lost or learned anything. Just mildly relieved that it’s finally over.

So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not over because I’m not dead yet.

A good friend of mine told me that it took her a year to get over her broken heart. She was broken up with in the May of our sophomore year of college, and by the spring of our junior year, she told me, she felt as though she were coming back to life, blooming along with all the other plants, turning her face to the sun and letting it shine on her and nourish her.

I spent most of the winter hoping that it could happen that way for me too. For a time, it seemed possible. I was moving in a good direction. But this Friday marks one year from the date the affair became a true, honest-to-god, can’t-call-it-by-any-other-name affair. And I’m watching the trees bursting into green, the redbuds exploding into pink, and I’m not bursting into green or exploding into pink along with them. I’m still huddled here in the dark cold, thinking that this is how they must’ve looked last year.

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16 Comments

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16 responses to “It’s a bad time to not be cussing.

  1. DB

    CG, emotional healing takes a long time, and depending on the whos, whats and wheres, a year might not be enough.

    The truth is, you may still be tempted to think about him and obsess over the affair for some time to come. But I do think that mind over matter can work for you here if you continually make the choice to move on. Every day. You’ll have some days where you slip up, but I know you can do this.

    And we’re all a little bit crazy. 🙂

  2. L

    I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re all fucking crazy. Literally and clinically. Only a few of us actually get help for the crazy. Welcome to enlightment.

  3. sarahthree

    Some thoughts…

    I can relate. Sometimes you still feel like you’re only allowed to talk about certain categories on a blog…even if it is anonymous. I know I’ve still cornered myself a little in mine.

    I second DB that we’re all a little bit crazy…

    Hang in there, it will get better. Is there progress is Cautionary Husband?

    Also, this was really well written.

  4. Sarah

    You are an amazing writer, and I love you. I am glad you are writing for you.

  5. kindred spirit

    I know what you mean. Been there. Done that. I wish I could help. You are far from being alone. I don’t know if there are “right” answers. Once during my utter despair in my situation, confused as hell, I looked up and saw a sign that said one thing: Follow your heart. Only you know what that is. Sorry it is not easy.

  6. Hey there. I’m thinking of you. In my experience, heartbreak takes a lot longer to get over than you think it should, so don’t give up.

    By the way, your writing inspires me.

  7. nic

    I’m sorry your heart is hurting so much right now. And it’s true – we’re all a bit crazy.

  8. kf

    i have been there. exactly there. married, affair, seperation, heartache….and the questions. and it sucks. and that is probably the nicest word I can think of to discribe it (in honor of you not cussing) But it ends. eventually your mind starts to wonder less and less back to the ‘other’ man, you stop being the crazy, insane ex-lover and well….eventually you move on. much later than you thought you would. after much more heartache and dispair than you ever thought possible.

    even now there are moments where my mind wanders back to him…and i wonder. but not like before. you can pull through if thats what you want to do. but it sucks while you are scratching and clawing your way back into the light.

    hang in there, I am thinking of you.

  9. It will take time. Don’t feel like you have to be better already. Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath. And if you have to lock yourself in your car with the windows rolled up and scream “FUCK!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of your lungs then I think your god would understand that sometimes, something’s gotta give…

  10. KP

    While I was in the midst of my affair, I saw the movie “Unfaithful.” It was pretty disconcerting.

    And I know that you can move on – it is just a conscious decision every day…even when you do not feel like it.

    I love reading your blog, and I continue to pray for you and all involved.

  11. anon

    Cautionary Lover can go to hell. He knows he’s a shitbag.

  12. kindred spirit

    anon = CH ?

  13. anon

    Nope. Not CH.

    Follow my reasoning:

    1) Cautionary Girl broke it off a year ago.
    2) Cautionary Girl is trying to let it go.
    3) Cautionary Girl is in Cautionary Therapy and a Cautionary Separation, amongst other things.
    4) BUT Cautionary Lover is still lurking and causing problems.

    Sounds like he’s caused more problems than he’s solved, and is continuing to be one. Sounds like a Cautionary Shitbag to me.

  14. carl

    Still think Anon=CH

  15. Anon

    Apologies to Carl and all the other conspiracy theorists, I’m not CH.

    I’m sorry if the anonymous nature of my comments bothers you on this anonymously written blog, but I just don’t have some witty moniker or pseudonym to use for my nom de plume.

  16. Christiana

    So…this comment might be a month late, but I just found your blog. This isn’t going to make you feel any better, but it’s been almost 3 years since I broke up with a very long term boyfriend (4-5 years) and I’m still not over the hurt. I’m over the person, but not the hurt. I wish you so much luck with everything. ❤

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