A proxy.

I started an anonymous blog because I found that I was not able to be as honest about my life as I wanted to be in my writing. My previous blog was read by everyone I knew, and a lot of people I didn’t know, and this fact, for whatever reason, made it impossible for me to, well, be me.

As my audience grew, I watched the topics I felt comfortable writing about grow narrower and narrower. My boss was reading, so I couldn’t write about my job. My husband was reading, so I couldn’t write about my marriage. My husband’s family was reading, so I couldn’t write about sex or religion. My family was reading, so I couldn’t write about my childhood. My priest was reading, so I couldn’t write about church. Cautionary Lover was reading, so I couldn’t write about the affair. I was living life completely in secret, and my blog was a front. And it showed. In the end, all I wrote about was my dog and politics. My dog because he can’t read and politics because why the hell not.

In January, after writing a cryptic final post, I shut my blog down. Some of my readers I told about my new blog. Most I didn’t. Some found me. Most haven’t.

It’s only been a month since I began writing here, but the experience has been completely different from my previous blogging experience. Every day I write because I want to, not because I have to. About things I actually want to write about. Things I’m actually experiencing and feeling and thinking. The freedom of it all blows me away, and so many changes in my life have been set into motion these last few weeks simply because I’m stretching my legs and being me for the first time in years.

I have a friend who has some secrets she would like to share. I believe she’s experiencing a similar self-censorship on her own blog, except she’s strong enough in her own identity not to let it get the best of her. But, spurred on by the 25 Things craze on Facebook, she decided to write down 10 secrets, and I told her that I would post them here as her proxy.

I urge everyone to strive for honesty, whether it be on their public blogs, on their anonymous blogs, on their friends’ anonymous blogs, with their loved ones, or simply with themselves. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes.

Much love.

CG

I was raped when I was 19 years old. It wasn’t a violent, Law & Order SVU kind of a rape, but it was still a rape and it still sucks.

That bastard stole my virginity. He had no idea.

I spent years after the rape having sex all over the place, trying to choose sex instead of having the choice made for me.

Once I had sex with two guys in a month. With one of them, the condom broke (a fact I wasn’t aware of until the next morning,) and with the other, there was no condom. I was terrified for a whole month that I would be pregnant and have no idea who the father was.

Now I think the only reason I didn’t get pregnant is because I can’t. I recently found out that there’s a pretty good chance I’ll never be able to have kids.

I am pretty tragically upset about the idea of never being able to have kids. Even though I wasn’t sure I wanted them in the first place, not having the option has been personally devastating.

The fact that my family won’t talk to me about my rape or sexual abuse is really depressing to me. My brother audibly scoffed when I told him what happened. Instead of protecting me like I always thought he would, he ignored and discounted what happened to me.

I love smoking. It contradicts everything about my life, so I don’t do it often. But I always want to.

In a small way, I am attracted to women. I thought that was really normal until recently, when I came to be aware that not everyone feels that same way. I think part of my attraction to females is because they have never hurt me, neither physically nor emotionally. This is something of a ‘mommy complex,’ I believe.

Starting at the age of 13, I was consistently sexually abused by a number of men for 3 years. I didn’t tell anyone (like my parents or legal authorities) about it because I was convinced it was my fault. I didn’t realize it was wrong for 30 year old men to implore/demand sexual acts from teenage girls. This abuse started before I even started my period.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “A proxy.

  1. Anonymous

    I can’t leave my name or blog, because I have a completely unfounded fear that one of my regular readers is also one of your readers and will figure it all out… But here’s my secret:

    I began sleeping with a man who is in a serious relationship with someone else. It began one night in October, fueled by too much alcohol (not an excuse, just offered as part of the history). Four months later we are still involved and I have fallen in love with him. His girlfriend is moving soon, to be with him (he moved to my area for a job, the whole time planning on her following him). I am devasted that we are not together despite being “together” for these four months. When she moves here I will have to see her on a regular basis, as we are members of the same altheletic club. Even if I knew about her from the beginning, I am still hurt and angry that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be with me.

    I am also worried I will never have a healthy relationship again, for I’ve tried dating and it hasn’t gone very well. Perhaps because my heart is wrapped up with someone who is not mine.

  2. Anonymous

    Here ‘s my secret that I can only admit to a handful of people, for fear of their judgement or misunderstanding:

    I have suffered from major depressive disorder for seven years. During a period of my life, I had constant chest pains and frequent panic attacks. I take medication to fix the problem, and I think I probably will for the rest of my life. My family has a problem with me being on the medications- they think it’s bad for me, but they don’t know what it feels like when I don’t take them. They also have no idea exactly how depressed I’ve been at certain times in my life.

  3. kindred spirit

    These posts touch me b/c they are real problems real people deal with. I’ve had my own. Everyone does. Sooner or later, to varying degrees, we all have our issues and difficulties to deal with. They all differ. We do make it through the chit. You are not alone. There are many with similar problems. Sometimes just knowing that helps.

    Medication is ok. Get over the stigma. I’m not on meds (thus c/n relate to it from that perspective), but know many that are. In all cases it helps and is nothing to be ashamed of. Take the meds if it helps. You might get to a point where you can wean off. Some do. Some don’t. No shame. Do what helps.

    The anonymous posts are good for others to hear precisely b/c you are not alone. There is comfort in company. So you might be providing a comrade in pain with some relief. That by itself is helping others. Get the most you can from what life throws at you. Sharing like this is one way.

    It is eternally painful when family doesn’t understand or provide empathy. Yet those that will provide empathy are here. We exist. We feel. We relate. We know. You are not alone. I cannot tell you how to find and befriend those that you can share with. I know it helps immensely to do so but just posting as you have helps.

    I don’t have all the answers. I wish I could help more. I do know from my painful experiences and the incredible difficulties I’ve had to deal with for a number of years that it can be done. We learn from the difficulties if we endeavor to do so. It has taken me a while, but I’m dense and have to be convinced of everything. It seems to be easier for others, or perhaps that is just an illusion and its not. I don’t know. I do know I wish you all the best.

  4. just wanted to chime in that your writing has been so honest, fresh, and really resonates with so many people. I am glad you are feeling free to write, because you are so very good at it!

  5. My secret is I love him.

  6. writeabook

    This is going to be a fucking memoir.

  7. Please share my contact info with your friend. I think you know this about me, but I was also raped at age 19, and again at 20. The first was date rape, the second time I was drugged. It screwed me up, horribly, and I spent a long amount of time in counseling. I now run intensive sexual abuse recovery groups for women in the DFW area who have survived childhood or adulthood abuse.

    My abuse happened 12 years ago. I’m a normal (well, okay, normal is subjective), healthy person who’s discovered that healing is possible. And that it’s liberating.

  8. sarahthree

    #9 of the secrets – I don’t think that this abnormal, and this is why.

    A few years back I read ‘The Four Loves’ by C.S. Lewis, and he discusses Friendship (philia in Greek) as one of the loves. I believe that there is always a certain level of attraction – no necessarily romantic – but an attraction nonetheless, and Lewis discusses this as a component of the relationship.

    I don’t know they background of your friend’s situation, but I don’t think that she should feel shame.

  9. I’ve thought about starting a new, more anonymous blog a lot lately. It started when I read a religious entry another blogger wrote, and I was thinking “I wish I could do that!” but my boyfriend’s (Catholic) family reads and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I can’t write about sex or use language they wouldn’t approve of, either. (I mean, I guess I COULD, but because they live 2,000 miles away that would be their main impression of me — I’ve only met them in person a handful of times.) And I can’t write about work because a lot of people I work with read it. I can’t even write about moving away or my boyfriend’s potential new job because HIS coworkers have access to my blog, too.
    I guess that’s what I get for posting the link on facebook and twitter and myspace back when I was all like “Happy new shiny blog! I want to show everyone!” I could take the link off now, of course, but I know that some people know where it is now and it’s a little too late.

  10. humanbeingblog

    @ Anonymous #2: major depression is not your fault, and it is not shameful. I believe that once you stop judging yourself for having a brain chemistry problem (would you judge yourself for having type 1 diabetes? or hypothyroidism?) and begin to accept yourself a little more, the other people you worry about judging you will have less power over you. I know this from experience. I’ve recently “outed” myself as having major depression and taking meds for it. And being open has helped me tremendously. What others think about it–well, screw them if they don’t love me anyway.

    @ OP: I lead a double life in blogland. I have my fledgling personal blog, and then I have my alter ego blog, which is a sex-positive exploration of my life. I get paid to write that one, which is good. I also write erotica (here I am, outing myself) and have a book coming out. And will be doing readings. In a disguise.

    I do censor my personal blog a bit–I won’t write about work because I don’t want to get fired. I am careful about what I write about my relationship, but not that careful. I often over-share, according to my fiance. He knows that not much is sacred when you live with a writer. If it didn’t wind up in a blog, it very well may wind up in a short story. My immediate family doesn’t know about my blog. Maybe someday they will. I don’t see the need to blog publicly about all of my feelings and thoughts, so I keep some of that to myself. But interestingly enough, it’s the blogs where I reveal myself that garner the most feedback. I write not just to express who I am, but to talk about my experiences so that others might find comfort in knowing they aren’t the only crazy, sad, lonely, happy, frustrated, joyous, inspired, navel-gazing entities on this earth.

    I think that when you choose to blog, you take the risk of alienating people around you if you take an honest tack. If you’re more comfortable blogging anonymously, more power to you. I’ll keep reading.

  11. draconiangirl

    About the girl thing – I think all women are attracted to other women. Why else would hot sexy women be used to sell women’s type products? It just makes sense. You’re not alone 🙂

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