What changed.

Cautionary Husband couldn’t understand why I need a secret, anonymous blog.  And why he’s not allowed to read it.

I’d told him before that I need both motivation to make my writing better (something that doesn’t happen when I’m writing just for me) and support, and this blog provides both of those.  But when he asked on Wednesday night, I looked him in the eye and told him that I’m going through some things that I don’t think he’d want to know about.  I’m writing about things that I don’t think he’d want to read.  He told me that honesty is the number one thing he wants in a marriage, and asked me to tell him what those things are.

So I took a deep breath and told him that I’m healing from a broken heart that he didn’t break.

I figured he’d known.  Or at least had an idea.  Where all of this pain was coming from.  What was causing it.  But he didn’t know.  Because he never asked.  Because I don’t think he wanted to know.

I reminded him that when I told him about the affair last May, I used the word love.  So I asked him what he had made of that.  I asked him if he really thought it was just about sex.  He said he thought I was delusional.  That it was illicit and exciting, but objectively not love.  But it was.  And I watched his face crumple as this realization set in for the first time.

He said maybe something more permanent than a separation was necessary.  I began crying and went home.

I sobbed.  I called people.  They said that maybe it was for the best, since I’m clearly still not over Cautionary Lover.  They said this is why you shouldn’t fall in love after you get married.  I sobbed some more.  I thought.  Hard.

I’ve known for a long time that I cannot let this marriage go without a fight, but I’ve figured that this broken heart wasn’t something I could choose.  That the pain was going to stick around no matter what.  That I would have to move through it and work on my marriage at the same time.  And that most of the time the all-consuming pain of the broken heart made it difficult to do both.

But it finally occurred to me that, no, those things don’t have to be true.  I could let it go if I wanted to.  The love will always be there, but I don’t have to hold on to the pain.  I don’t have to stay there.  I could put all of my effort behind working on my marriage if I wanted to.

And I wanted to.  So I did.  I let it go.  And then I wrote Cautionary Husband the e-mail below.  And spent several hours waiting for a reply.

The reply came at 6:30 last night.  “I want your heart desperately.”

I called.  He came over.  We made love.  I cried because, for the very first time, I wasn’t holding anything back from him.

And I began the long, scary process of giving him my heart, and he began the long, scary process of accepting it.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “What changed.

  1. Hi…I’ve been reading your blog here, I think from finding your former one on 20something bloggers, and it’s been both heartbreaking and oddly encouraging to read about all you’re going through. I am SO glad that you and CH are beginning this healing process, and SO glad to see that you’re dedicated to making your marriage work. I can’t even imagine what kind of pain or confusion led up to your separation, but I am blown away by your determination, especially in a world where divorce is used so flippantly to deal with even less “serious” issues. Anyway, thanks for sharing!

  2. Oh, God. I’m crying. CH’s response made me cry.

    I am so proud of you guys for making this tough decision. A decision that will undoubtedly lead to both grief and joy. If you need a recommendation for a counselor, call me. I’ve got a fabulous one.

    I’ve heard it said before that marriage is the closest you’ll ever get to hell. And that it’s also the closest you’ll ever get to heaven.

    I’m hoping and praying that from this point forward, you guys only get from your marriage the sweetest taste of heaven.

  3. DB

    Ah! Crying, crying, crying. This is the best Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever received.

  4. AC

    I cried when I read this.

  5. At the risk of sounding repetitive – this made me cry too.

    I’m so happy that you are choosing the honest, the courageous, and the path of peace. You are going after what you want even though it is difficult. I can’t imagine setting such intense pain aside as you are doing. The choice to let go of this pain is brave and wise.

  6. I’ve been following along reading and not commenting but I had to comment on this one. I’m so glad (for lack of a better word) that you are following your heart here. I am wishing you both the very best.

  7. juliennejiggs

    Thinking of you.

  8. Praying and hoping for the best.

  9. Pingback: Cautionary Revelation. « Kyla’s Joy

  10. Shannon

    I am going to be that person that says I have never commented before, but I mean like ever on anyone’s… Your post was awesome. I have been hanging on my seat to see what happens. My past makes me wish every marriage was like this and it takes courage to say those things to your husband. Good for you. Here’s to marriage! I really hope that the pain can turn into bliss.

  11. draconiangirl

    You go girl. I know it’s a tough road, but it sounds like you two have your priorities in the right place. You’re both very lucky to have realized it at this point. Some people never do.

  12. Someone trying to be descrete

    Sarah loves you, and thus I do as well. I love you and this made me cry. And I don’t cry (well mostly). And I think that means something…about your writing…and about the love you have w/ CH.

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