I thought I would cry more.

When Cautionary Husband and I still lived together, I had to find a way to hide my broken heart from him.  Since my heart was broken by another man, I didn’t feel that the pain of this was something CH should have to see.  It was something I would have to go through completely alone.  It was something that would have to go on completely inside of me.

For several months, the only thing I wanted was to be able to cry.  In private.  As loudly and tragically and pathetically as I wanted to.  To sob sometimes.  To sometimes sit silently and let the tears flow out of my eyes and stream down my face.  But in a house with no locks and a very needy husband, this was impossible.

So I took to crying in the shower.  It wasn’t any more private than anywhere else, since CH would sometimes peek his head in, or come in to the bathroom to talk to me while I showered.  He hated being alone, even for fifteen minutes.  But the hot water on my face could mask the hot water coming from eyes.  My makeup already streaming, my face already flushed.  He’d have to look closely to see my red, swollen eyes, and he never looked closely.

By the time the shower was over, I could pull myself together.  I could end with some cold water to splash on my face.  To heal my aching eyes.  To cool my hot skin.  I could dress calmly and go join my husband on the couch, my breath still catching in my throat every few seconds.  But imperceptibly.

Now that I live alone, I can cry anytime I want to.  But I’m still forcing myself to hold it together.  Sometimes I sit in the bathtub at night and think of the immense pain of all of this and try to squeeze some tears out, but they won’t come.  I take this to mean that I wasn’t holding it together for CH, but rather for myself.

Or, possibly, my heart has finally begun to heal.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “I thought I would cry more.

  1. I do think this means your heart is healing a bit… This is a good thing.

    Did the Cautionary Lover (for lack of a better term to call him) stay in his marriage? Does CH know of the affair?

    Such personal things to ask, but since you’ve got an anonymous blog I figured I could ask…

  2. acautionaryblog

    Cautionary Lover. Lol. So true. He stayed. Has kids. And men always stay, don’t they? Men always stay.

    CH knows. Told him last May. It’s been a long process.

  3. For lack of anything better to say, good luck with the healing process and know that your readers are still around.

  4. Healing is good, and I think an incredible amount of strength can come from being independent.

    I just wanted to let you know how brave I think you are.

  5. You are very brave and hope now you are starting to heal things get better.x

  6. mkatjones

    Oh I know the crying in the shower thing, and the very holy god needy husband thing. It’s so hard to be yourself, to be normal when your very needy husband can’t possibly live life without your constant presence. I could never stand it. And then I was alone and I thought I would rejoice. But I was lonely.

    I got better. Things got better. I now have a lovely boyfriend who is not very very needy but normal. And so, I’m still learning HOW to be normal with him.

  7. KP

    You know, I went through a grieving process over losing another man while I was married too. I am definitely thinking about you a lot these days. You know where I am if you want to talk.

  8. I think they do always stay.

    I am just now untangling myself from someone. He wasn’t married, but with someone, living with her, heading toward that path. I spent 4 months fooling myself into believing that he and I would be together. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him you see…

    I’ll learn from these lessons one day, right?…

  9. DB

    Love you, hon. You’re going to make it.

  10. Crying in the shower. I know. Too well. The car too.

    My situation was similar, but I’m the guy. She left me. She couldn’t leave her marriage. It broke my heart. It was an incredible relationship. The connection was like no other. We communicated with thought alone. Neither of us ever experienced anything like it. Yes, the sex was great. The whole relationship lasted a little over a year.

    Then she turned. She got too close to the flame. The guilt set in, and along with it fear. Guilt reinforced by religion and religion reinforced by friends and family. We shared spirituality, not religion. And I’ve grown spiritually since then, in spite of a very religious upbringing. She went back to that which she was comfortable with in religion.

    What is astonishing is how she viciously turned on me. Almost looking to destroy me. I’ve never understood it. I can only guess that it is her way of dealing with what we “couldn’t” have. Yet we could if she were willing.

    I’m back on my feet. You will be too. I’ve learned a lot from the relationship, but especially from seeking the spiritual path to reduce the pain – to find greater answers of life. You will learn much too. No matter how difficult the days are, calmly and gently seek the Inner Light. Everything else will follow the way it should.

    I love her. I always will. Nine years later, she still will not talk to me, and I still don’t understand why. It is a hate, but I know, though it may not be conscious, the love is there. There is no way it cannot be.

    Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Seek the greater things in life. Transcend what you had. Trust that your life will work out for all involved. Take each day at a time.

    You are not alone in your pain. I share it with you. If I could take your burden I would. Although I do not know you, I’d be your proxy for the pain. I’ve learned to handle it and know how difficult it is.

    It may not be easy, but if you pledge to yourself to learn as much as you can spiritually, you will. And it will amaze you. I send you thoughts of peace and comfort.

  11. Someone trying to be descrete

    Maybe it wasn’t that CD didn’t like being alone for too long, but maybe he really liked being in your presence (especially naked!) You are kinda great you know.

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