Where I’ve been.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my life without addressing an audience, which is a terrible, terrible habit I developed on my old blog, and then, oh look, an entire week has gone by with no real posts or updates or any writing about my life going on up in hur.  And now I’m writing a post addressing an audience.

I’ve been getting really, really good at wasting time.  At finding ways to not feel so alone.  At maybe letting it slip on my FACEBOOK that I have a secret anonymous blog and making Cautionary Husband, whom I had not managed to find a way to tell about the secret anonymous blog, very, very angry with me.

I’ve been pissed off with other bloggers when they haven’t updated much this week because I am awesome at being a hypocrite.  What can I say?  It’s a God-given talent.

I’ve been eating everything in the world because I’ve been unintentionally losing weight.  Just polished off a particularly yummy apple muffin top from Panera.  Yesterday I managed to eat a Tiff’s butterscotch cookie, a Sprinkles red velvet cupcake, and a 99-cent box of creme-filled chocolates from Target, all in a time span of about four hours.

I’ve been worried, just a little, that I might be pregnant.  But not worried enough (yet) to take a test.  I just typed “taste” instead of “test.”  Maybe I should take a test, after all.

I’ve been reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover.  Hoo boy.

Accordingly, I’ve been trying to convince myself that sex is NOT the end all, be all.  Even really, really good sex.  Someone back me up here.  Please.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that one day I will have really, really good sex again.

I’ve been getting used to living in just one place again.

I’ve been getting used to living by myself for the first time.

I’ve been taking a lot of baths.

I’ve been practicing guitar.  I’ll be performing a cover of Feist’s “The Park” at my church’s Shrove Tuesday Talent Show.  I’ve been filming ridiculous videos of myself performing “The Park” and then criticizing them endlessly.

I’ve been trying to figure out if I want to stay married.

I’ve been crying maybe just a little.

I’ve been supremely grateful for the support I receive here.  Thank you, everyone, for brainstorming with me and without me.  For sharing with me your ideas and concerns and worries.  For your love.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Where I’ve been.

  1. The good sex issue. Well…see… I actually believe that a really good connection in bed is important. Ridiculously important. I’m not saying it should just be about sex, because there has to be more than that, but I’ve had relationships where the sex was okay, so-so, decent, good, and/or boring. And then I’ve had relationships where the sex is phenomenal, mind-blowing, I-didn’t-even-realize-multiple-orgasms-actually-occurred, fantastic and out of this world. Take as guess as to which I preferred? Not only that, but it’s about having a great, intimate connection. If it’s not there, other parts of your relationship will suffer.

    Right now I am struggling to get over a man I was with for only a brief time. But it was the most amazing sex I have ever had and we had an amazing connection and since him no one else compares. I haven’t slept with anyone since him, but I’ve gone on dates with others and I can’t seem to make it past date 2 or 3 because I realize, that intense connection isn’t there. That chemistry and spark that I think is absolutely vital to making a relationship work is missing.

    So is great sex a necessary in a relationship? For me it is. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life having “okay” or “average” sex when I know how amazing it can be? I’d rather find that man who I have that connection with on all levels, because then I’ll know we’ll have a chance at making it work.

  2. I think I’m pregnant at least twice a month. I’ve never taken the test though and won’t until my period doesn’t arrive on the day it’s supposed to. Have you reached that point yet? (If yes, email me immediately so I can get excited because actually? I want to be at that point.)

    Am terribly jealous you ate a Sprinkles cupcake. There are no Sprinkles cupcakes in RI and I am dying to try one. I love cupcakes.

    You will have sex again. You will have great sex again. Perhaps incorporating a Sprinkles cupcake…

  3. hi. I was a fan of your last blog and even though I got the email that you were switching I some how forgot to update my link. So I lost you for awhile. Luckily I was bored at work today and decided to clean out my old emails and found your email. I read a few posts that I missed and all I really have to say is that I hope you are doing ok. If you aren’t I hope you will be soon. And if you ever need a stranger/friend to talk to or lean on or bitch to I can be that weird person that you don’t even know but that cares about your life!

  4. The Sprinkles red velvet cupcake? THAT can lift your spirits.

    Everything else? Love hurts when it becomes uncertain. It’s shaky. It rocks us to our core. Be gentle with yourself. Take lots of baths. Light candles. Hug Cautionary Dog. Vent on your blog all you need to. Lean into the energy of others, we’ll prop you up. That’s what we’re here for. HUGS Have a great weekend. Also? Maybe go to Celestial Park? It’s a great place to “just be”.

  5. juliennejiggs

    As far as sex goes, I’ve only ever been with one person and it ranges from “okay” to incredible weekly. And I think that’s normal.

    Living in just one place is something I long for.

    Baths are my go-to cure-all.

    Crying is never a bad thing.

    Thinking of you.

    -Jules

  6. i really like the idea of the anonymity of this site, considering the surrounding circumstances and i ‘m actually disappointed that your readers aren’t joining in (at least with more coded names, for godsakes!). you told me about this blog today (2/9) and i have been reading all of the entries in their successive procession. i’ll be honest, you and i have been blog buddies for years, in fact our friendship started thru xanga if you can believe it, and we’ve remained friends despite the fact that i haven’t blogged in years (i may actually begin again soon..), but this is the most honest and inspired writing i’ve seen of yours and i think it’s your best. granted, i haven’t read consistently in a long time, and i’m sorry that the context is so painful, but there’s just something about the hurt that draws me in. i’ve taken about a page worth of notes, stealing bits and pieces of your writing in the hopes that i can inject some of it into my songwriting. i guess i should ask you if that’s ok with you.
    ps. i’ve never have good sex. hahaha. hmm, awkward laugh. maybe that’s an anonymous blog of my own waiting to happen. anyways, you know who this is, talk to you soon
    pps. i left you another comment on a previous post, the one about tv. i dont consider these to be independent comments, but more conversational topics for when i find you online. or we can just bitch about music, whatever’s more comfortable for you. this is too long. sorry.

  7. DB

    I feel compelled to be the reader of yours that says that the sacred institution of marriage deserves as much effort as you’ve got it in you to give. I don’t know what CH wants out of the deal, but as a witness to your vows, I want to encourage you and say that God can heal this situation if you both will let him. Love you.

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